That Lovin Feelin...

What do you do when your missing?


I don't mean like missing person on a milk carton.


I mean like you don't feel like your there anymore.


When a quintessential part of your being has essentially disappeared. 


Sometimes we find ourselves at a point in our lives where you click to auto pilot and you just do what is necessary to survive.


I have found that over the last 8 months I have slowly lost parts of myself that I once knew to be those quintessential parts of my soul.


My life has been consumed by my education, by work and by the responsibilities I have held in the D/s community.


And now I find myself at the cross roads, where my life is in transition, flying by me, the very basis of what I have known for years now is changing, my life is changing all around me. But, I feel no movement within me.



I am finally enjoying a few days of doing utterly nothing for the first time in 8 months. No school. No work. No responsibilities. Yet, I find that my dreams are still plagued by nightmares, when, and if, I sleep.


I am now living with my boy. My submissive and I are now in a 24/7 D/s relationship, complete with the normal vanilla issues of family, a clogged kitchen sink and a lawn that needs to be mowed. All of my worldly belongings are slowly being intermingled in with his. My life is now part of his, and his, mine. I am living my kinky fairy tail.


But it doesn't feel like a fairy tale.


Its not him. He still wears my collar and follows my directions. All in all, he is a hard working man and does his best to be my good boy.


I love my boy, my submissive, my boyfriend, my partner.


But I don't feel like me anymore.


The Mistress is missing.

My desire to top him or anyone else for that matter, has waned.


I have allowed my protocols to slip and allowed for him to no longer follow those to my standards. In reality I don't blame him for not doing what I don't instruct him to do on a consistent basis. I have failed him as his Mistress.



I am not the Ma'am I once was.



Somewhere along the way I have lost the part of me that is Ma'am and I am not quite sure how to get her back.



Frankly I would love to tie my boy up and ravage him with my strap-on. I would love to flog him and spank hum until he is a puddle of moaning goo on the floor and so dizzy from sub space that crawling in my lap is all the strength he can muster up.



I miss that feeling. I miss seeing him look up at me with those big eyes of his as he wraps his arms around my legs and waist and curls up against me with a contented sigh. I long to hold him in my arms and tell him what a good boy he is.



I don't feel that control I once had. I don't feel the power or the Dominance that I once had when topping. I don't get that rush anymore.



And I don't know why.



Hell even sex has mostly lost my interest.


Several have asked if its stress. I don't think its stress any more. School is done for the summer, at least until the 27th, I am not working at the moment and my move is all over.


SO the big question is, where did she go? Where oh where can my inner Ma'am be?

Why have I lost that lovin feelin....

The long awaited update.... I know, its overdue. No. You can't spank me for being late.

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Wrapped and Packed Like a Fresh Tenderloin....

Oh YES! I had a whole new brand of fun the other night.......

Again, I saw My brat....

Being tired and soaked to the bone from a long day of work in the rain the poor thing was just exausted. Thankfull with a little bit of encouragement and persuasion he came to see me.

Honestly... It didn't take much......

While I waited for my brat to arrive I thought of all of the sick, twisted, dirty and depraved things I could do to him that night. He seems to bring out the worst in me... well in his case, those would be the best things..... He seems to derive a great deal of pleasure from me exercising my creativity at the expense of the skin on his ass, and other body parts.

I do love coming up with some new and twisted adventures for him to go through for me.........

When my brat arrived he greeted me with the typical hug, kiss, and smile.

When I informed him that I had a little surprise for him that smile just got wider.

We sat on the couch as I gave him his gift. Well, he sat and I promptly straddled him. I handed him his gift, a black leather bound journal. Each page was embossed with a gold sun. He looked at me rather curiously as I explained it was a journal for him to use to record his dirty little fantasies in. But he had not even discovered the best part yet. As he was flipping through the notebook a red card fell out.  He quietly read the inscription on the back of the card. "To my lil brat. An extra special treat for being so good." He flipped the card over and read the front and read it. "A trip down town..." His voice trailed off as he looked at me. I smiled at him and said sweetly, "yes my boy, a trip down town" as I ran my hands lightly down his chest. He grinned and brimmed with excitement as he realized what I had given him. He just couldn't believe it.

Oh yes... I am just that good.

After he had settled down a little bit I promptly instructed him to go strip. I followed him to my room and watched him strip down and discovered a nice little suprise. My brat had worn his latex boxer shorts I so love! What a good boy.


After his collar and cuffs were firmly locked in place I put him on his knees and pulled him up to me, running my nails over his nipples, I kissed him and shooed him into the bathroom. I told him it was time for his enema.

He waited quietly on his knees as I filled the enema bag with warm water. I hung it up and unzipped the back of his shorts and prepared to insert the nozzle. He took a deep breath as inserted the nozzle and let the water flow.....

After the first two enemas he was begging me to stop. I told him he had one more to take. I filled the bag again and placed the nozzle. He whimpered as I let the water flow. It was cold. He whined and begged for me to stop. When the bag was empty I removed the nozzle and sat on the lid of the toilet. He looked up at me from his knees and began begging. "Please Ma'am, please let me go, please, please please..." God, he is so fucking cute when he begs... I denied him release over and over again. He grimaced, the cramping was getting worse and I could see it. I grabbed him by his face and made him look in my eyes as I coached him through each wave of cramps.  I finally allowed him to empty the enema and instructed him to clean himself up and come back into my room.

A few minutes later we were ready to get going. I told him that I was feeling rather lazy today so we were going to skip the rope. He looked mildly disappointed until I held up what I was going to use.

I think his jaw dislocated........

SARAN WRAP! A big ole roll of saran wrap! I instructed him to stand still as I secured the first few wraps and then had him spin around like a top.  He was just grinning the whole time I wrapped him in his fantasy. After I had securely packaged him like a tenderloin straight from the butcher I took a good long look at him... and promptly decided  I needed to hook him to my wall.... so, I ended up breaking out the rope anyways.

Once I had my toy secured firmy to the bolts in my wall I had my way with him. I kissed and licked his nipples, his moaning turned into a moan of pain as I bit down on them and I ran my hands down his chest to his crotch and felt what was stirring in his shorts..... he moaned again just as my first blow landed on his ass.

I spanked him for the longest time before switching to something a little harder... I went from bare hands to leather paddle and then I broke out the wood paddles. He begged and pleaded for mercy from me. But I just grinned wickedly and lit into him.

"No mercy for you boy, buck up, take it like a man and stop being a little fucking pussy boy!"

He struggled against his restraints, tried to scoot out of the way of the blows, begged, pleaded and whined as I bruised his ass.

Then I told him I needed target practice. He whimpered.... as I pulled my 4 foot quirt from my wall and cracked it.

I grazed it lightly against his back as I built up speed, I built up intensity. he was jumping with each blow until I went from his back and lit a good one right on the sweet spot. You know the spot... right where the butt cheek meets the thigh... that little fold.... he damn near yelled.

Yes folks I enjoyed myself, every blow elicited a beautiful response of pain and pleasure from my little brat.
Yes folks.... I am.... a......................

When target practice was over I moved to the front of him. Pressed between the wall and his heaving chest I ran my hands over him and unzipped the front of his shorts. I squatted down and teased him with my fingers and breath. He begged me to put my lips on it. And I gleefully denied him.

I untied him and cut him out of his wrappings. I told him to lay on my bed face down.....

I stripped down to my bra and slipped into my strap on... he moaned as I lubed him and played with his ass until I finally slid my strap on into him.

My brat moaned so loud as I fucked him. I told him he was such a good little slut.

"My dirty little slut, you moan like a cheap fucking whore..."

Then I made him ride it.

I told him to fuck it like he meant it, and he did..............

Ocassionaly through the whole evening I paused to take some photos of my victim. I have to say, some of them turned out really well.

I am really starting to turn into a little shutter bug when it comes to play time......

I like to go back and reminisce and examine my work to find ways to improve and twist it.

Later he asked me to take a point of view of me fucking him with my strap-on.... Next time I see him, that's on the top of the list.......

The night ended as usual, with me all worked up and straddling him as I reiterate the three rules of sex.

1. You do not cum with out permission.
2. You do not cum before me.
3. I will cum. Or you will not.

Its very simple folks.

Of course he eagerly obliged my rules..................

After he left I was looking over the photos of my night...... and simply smiled. I love it when I get to try something new.  I absolutely believe that we will be encountering saran wrap again. In the words of brat... "That was the hottest session yet...." Oh yeah.... he wasn't lying.....

But then again.... with an ass like that? How could I not want to spank him?...................................

A few days later brat informs me he is purchasing a few new toys for me to use... I can't wait to get them... I am looking forward to them and our adventures with them. He has turned into such a good boy for me. That and he just spoils me rotten.......

I think the next thing on the list is getting myself a new smother box.....

You, my dear readers will be hearing all about the adventures with my new toys here soon!

Good grief I love being a Domme!

The learning addiction....

I am the Mistress, Ma'am, Miss, The Lady, Goddess, Bitch, Sadist, Cunt, Dominant, Dominatrix, Domme, Owner, Temptress, Seductress.... The list goes on and on and on.....


But what is not seen, seems to be the most important. The things most people miss when they look at me and see only the above.

I am the Daughter, the granddaughter, the sister, niece, cousin, the friend, lover, confidant, the healer, the nurturer, the psychic, the pagan, the gnostic, a child of God, a Woman, a student, a teacher, the book worm, intelligent, fighter, cook, CNA a survivor of violence, the protector, the extroverted life of the party, a strong woman and a success story.






But what no one ever sees, with the exception of two very special friends in my life is the other side of me. The side that I let no one see.





I am also, the child who reaches to be let out, insecure, scared, needing to be loved, needing to be accepted, the girl who needs to be held, craver of physical touch, lost in my mind at times, one who hates ignorance, yet feels herself filled with it at times, her own worst critic and doubter.



In my last post, I wrote of how truly lucky I am. And I am. That has not changed, but I have begun to realize many things about myself. The last few days have brought about a great deal of reflection.

My identity as a Mistress grows, evolves and changes every day. I find that it also changes my other self. My insecurities and negative personas are slowly dissipating.




But…. There are a few things that will never change. I will always be my own worst critic. It pushes me to be a better, stronger person and it is what has driven my success in my life. My need, desire and craving for physical touch. I live off of it, thrive from it, and drive some of the greatest joy in my life from the most simplistic thing as a hug, or touch from a loved one.  Or the fact that I want, someone to love me, to tell me that I am beautiful, to be there for me. I don’t honestly believe that those last two things are any different than any other woman out there. The only difference is that I want those things from a submissive male.



I find that the bond, and intimacy I get from my submissive is much more intense than the others I have had with a regular man.  The trust, the strength, the intimacy. Its overwhelmingly powerful, and at times, intoxicating.

The look in my boy’s eyes… when I stare deep into them and tell him to bare the pain to push through it, and I hear him take that breath, see the fear in his eyes, watch him fight the pain I am causing him, so profound he cannot think. To see him stare back into my eyes, with fear only to have that fear and pain over taken by trust and strength that he derives from me. That is intoxicating. A pure, simple, drug. And I am addicted….


I asked brat tonight a simple question. What, does your collar mean to you. His response was profound.

“Trust, the trust I have in you, and my submission for you.”

I then asked him what his smaller collar means… the necklace I gave him when I started seeing him, the one he wears every day.

“Trust, a daily reminder of this and my larger collar and everything it means.”

For me, this was the response I wanted, not expected, but what I wanted. Most submissives, when asked what the leather collar they wear when with me means to them, they say serving, play or something along those lines. Never trust…..

These are the things I love about my submissives. I don’t feel like I have to be the strong, powerful woman I am constantly around them. I can relax, and even confide to a certain point in my boys. I can let them see the human side of me. Which I have never been able to do with any other boy, ever.

Even to a point though, my fears and outward strength, prevent me from sharing the things I wish I could with them.


Brat called tonight to tell me he got home. I was listening to John Denver, Country Roads. He asked me what I was listening to and why. He was a little more than surprised when I told him it was one of the songs they played at my grandfathers funeral. He asked me, why in the hell I would be listening to it at that moment, after a wonderful evening with him and I was in a great mood….. 

I wanted to tell him why, but found myself saying it was simply because it was a good memory of him. Not because it was October, and the last time I saw my grandfather, whom I loved and was very close to, alive, was last October….



I found myself holding back the sadness and the fact that all I wanted to do was cry because I missed my grandfather.  Its not that I don’t trust my boys. I honestly don’t know why I cannot reveal this part of myself to them…..But I am sure I will learn even that answer soon.




Its amazing what I learn each day about myself. Profoundly amazing. These boys teach me so much about myself, I don’t think they even realize it…..

Well after a needed and nostalgic post about a Mistresses feelings, I return you to your normal programming of perverse smut and bondage! Tonight’s saran wrap adventures will be coming soon!

As Luck Would Have It....

A conversation I had with one of my boys today prompted me to start thinking.. yes, the gerbil wheel was turning folks!

And I came to the realization today that I am one lucky lucky woman.
 

Not only am I blessed with my family and friends, my relationship with God, two excellent jobs, and a home, but I am truly blessed in my BDSM lifestyle.

I thought about all the time I have spent with my brat, the frustration he has caused me with his behavior and how much time, training, effort and emotion I have put into him. I realize that despite all of his mess-ups that he is honestly trying to be a good boy, and to be a good boy for me. After a conversation with him this evening I realized how much I adore brat. Not only for his personality (regardless of how frustrated he makes me at times) but for the honesty he has with me about his feelings, thoughts and everything else. As well as for the respect, and gratefulness for me and the fact that he does go out of his way to make me happy and the little things he does for me, like getting me an enema bag simply because I mentioned I needed one, way, way back at the beginning of our conversations, or rubbing my feet after work when he comes over because he knows they hurt. Or saying something silly to make me laugh when I am crabby. Or curling up with me as I stroke his hair after we are done playing and I feel him breath a sigh of utter relaxation. Watching him grow and rise to the challenges I place for him has been amazing, he is going from a kinky bottom, to a true submissive. He still has far to go, but he is making amazing progress and I am honored and grateful to be the one training and molding him.

Lil boy is still very new to me, but I find that even in the little time I have had with him, he has become special to me in his own right. He has a wonderful personality and although I have not spent much of it with him, the time I have spent with him, and all of our conversations are truly cherished by me. He truly is an amazing person and his kindness and gentle nature just makes him even more so. His submission is absolutely beautiful, and although he still has much training to go through and many things to learn, I see him rising to the challenges I place before him. He also, has the remarkable ability to make me smile when I am having a shitty day. I know with time he will continue to impress and thrill me, and I know over time I will find even more reasons to adore him as well. Lil boy is still very new to the lifestyle and is eagerly absorbing everything I have to teach him, a characteristic I love. He is a very special submissive and I am honored and grateful to be the one teaching him what D/s and BDSM is truly all about.

I hurt myself the other day at work, and now I am on leave for an undetermined period of time. When they both found out, the concern for my well being was overwhelming. "I am only worried about you Ma'am" "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" Most submissives I have had, or played with, would normally respond with a "oh that sucks your sick or hurt or whatever... when can we play again" Where this time, both boys, scheduled to see me this week, ask me if I will be ok and up for playing. "I am only worried about you Ma'am" Or the most wonderful thing... "I would be content to just lay here all night with you if you wished"

Both of my boys updated their profiles the other night and reading them made me do some serious thinking. I truly am one lucky ass woman. Reading their updated profiles, and the conversations I have had with them both this weekend has warmed my heart and truly made me feel blessed. They both see me for who I truly am, which in my world is a rarity. They see this and not only to they see it, but they appreciate it.


I think I found the two most perfect submissives for me. Seriously... here I am a 24 year old woman, lucky enough to have not just one, but two beautiful, sexy wonderful submissives who I adore and in turn adore me. Its enough to make me all misty eyed just thinking about it. Damn, I am lucky.

Birthday Spankings for all!

So it was my birthday last Thursday.  I told my boy that there were only two things I wanted for my birthday. To spank someone and have birthday sex. Well... needless to say he happily obliged both wishes....

I worked Friday night, when I got home brat arrived a few minutes later. I greeted him with a hug and a kiss and instructed him to run my shower for me.

While I showered he stripped and was waiting for me naked on my bedroom floor playing with my cat. It was kinda cute.

After my shower I locked his collar on him and attached the beautiful new leather leash he had bought me for my birthday. He crawled on his hands and knees behind me into the living room and kneeled on the floor infront of me.

I had him rub my feet as I relaxed and listened to some Sara Brightman. It was wonderfully relaxing after the hellish night I had at work. I began to torment his nipples as he buried his face in my chest and begged me silently to kiss him....

After my lovely foot rub I instructed him to help me dress. Like a good boy, he helped me into my corset and then gently slid my boots on and zipped them up to my thighs. And promptly began to kiss and lick them like a good boy.

After a while I had him tied up from my ceiling. I started back on his nipples intermingling some spanking as he moaned and whined with every blow I laid.

I eventually untied him and laid him across my bed as I lit into his ass with my new paddles. By the time I got done with him his ass was cherry red and he found himself bound in a lovely hog tie I learned. I continued to torture his nipples with my fingers, nails, teeth and tongue. He whimpered and moaned in pain when I twisted and bit them. And he begged for more when I kissed and licked them gently. 



 I also enjoyed using my nails on his back. Honestly it looked like he got into a fight with a cougar and lost.... I was still scraping his skin from underneath my nails the next morning.  He groaned and moaned every time  I dragged my nails up his back. I honestly couldn't tell if it was because of pain or pleasure... I think it was a combination of both.


After a few hours of wonderful torture I had him back on his knees and told him that before he removed my boots he had something else to do. He looked a little worried until I told him to worship my pussy. A big grin crossed his face as I forced his head between my legs.

When all play was said and done, we were laying on my bed relaxing and he thanked me for a wonderful evening. Needless to say I told him he wasn't done.

I asked him if he remembered what the other thing was that I wanted for my birthday. He smiled. I told him there were only three rules. Rule number one: He doesn't cum with out permission. Rule number two: If he wants to cum he has to beg for it. Rule number three: He has to get me off. He grinned at the last rule.




I can smile and say... it was a great night. I got both of my birthday wishes and had a wonderful evening with my brat.

The next morning I had a conversation with my lil boy. My newest submissive. He is very sweet and well mannered. He admitted to some jealousy when he saw the pictures from friday night posted.

He said he wished it was him... Frankly I don't blame him one bit.... I feel slightly bad that I may have hurt his feelings but he was aware of my other boy when we started talking.  He told me he was ok with everything but that it would take some time for him to get used to me playing with someone else.

Over all, I had a wonderful evening and am looking forward to seeing both of my boys again... I wonder what will happen when I get them both together at the same time......